Allison and Ari fight about Johnny Depp Characters, and Make Up a New Insult.

This week we took a request from our friend Amber, she requested Johnny Depp as a theme so we chose a few of his iconic characters, and one of his more realistic characters as well. As you'll see for me this was one of the hardest weeks so far, for Ari it was a little more cut and dry. For your entertainment Johnny Depp as: Edward Scissorhands, Captain Jack Sparrow and Roux from Chocolat.

Allison: This is going to be a really difficult decision, because either way I'm going to end up killing somebody I really don't want to kill. My initial thoughts are marriage to either Roux or Edward. Only because while Captain Jack is incredible, and I think we'd get on exceedingly well together, he's a philanderer and is only truly married to the sea.

Ari: I'd marry Roux, fuck captain Jack and kill Edward.

Allison: Jesus you're brutal. How do you kill Edward? He is just sweet and artistic. It would be like killing a puppy! A scared, already abused puppy.

Ari: It's a matter of logistics. Foreplay would be impossible, and you know I don't go for the sweet boys.

Allison: Ok, hear me out, you could live it that awesome creepy mansion, and he'd just hang out and build topiaries for you and you'd get a lifetime worth of crazy awesome hair cuts.

Ari: Roux is worldly and mysterious, and while I imagine our marriage probably wouldn't last forever, the Gypsy wedding party would be incredible.

Allison: And you know with your genius and some hard work you might be able to develop the man parts.

Ari: Yeah I'd rather have a fabulous gay hairdresser. Also, my genius is particularly lacking in the science department.

Allison: Roux is also handy with tools and such, and while I don't need a man to fix my doors etc. It is kind of hot... Damn it I can't kill Edward, think of the puppies.

Ari: Sex with Captain Jack is pretty much a given, as long as he wasn't too drunk to get it up. Besides, then I could be in one of those "the Captain was here" ads which I find hilarious, even though they're really not.

Allison: Yeah I think Sex with Jack is a given, although he'd have to wear a condom. Those sluts from the docks are not to be trusted.

Ari: Agreed! Lord knows what he's picked up from those scurvy bilge rats. I don't find Edward attractive in any way whatsoever. He's a child. It would be like doing Benny from Benny and June.

Allison: Goddamnit. I think you are right. I want to keep fighting because I love Edward's house, and I think I would love spinning around underneath ice sculptures as he carved him, I want to be married to his life and not to him. Not a good foundation for a marriage. Fuck. Can I have somebody else kill him? As quietly, painlessly and as far away from me as possible?

Ari: And I'm pretty sure you would destroy him emotionally. He might be a cute puppy, but do you really want to be married to a cute sad puppy forever?

Allison: He wouldn't be sad forever!!! He was already learning! That's the reason why it's so awful to kill him. You're killing something young and innocent that is just starting to find their own personality. It would be like finding Beethoven or Mozart at age 6 and cutting off their fingers!!! It's goddamned abominable.

Ari: HIS FINGERS WERE ALREADY OFF.

Allison: Not his douchebad. Mozart or Beethovens.

Allison: DOUCHEBAD!! Awesome.

Ari: And he had no boy parts. I want a husband or a fun fuck, not a charity case.

Ari: Also douchebad is epic.

Allison: I think with his help and some trial and error I could arrange the fun parts. Or we could just re-create that porn... Edward Penis Hands. HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Allison: Douchebad is SO epic.

Ari: But we can compromise. Let's fake his death, and put him in the sad puppy protection program where he can be loved and cherished and learn to be a happy creepy hairdresser for all days.

Allison: Can I visit?

Ari: Only if it wouldn't compromise his safety.

Allison: Alright, I think it's settled. Fuck Captain Jack with protection, marry Roux and fake Edward's death, because we're not douchebads. Unfortunately now that we've used faking somebody's death we can never do it again. Let's hope there are no more puppies.

Ari: Hahaha deal.