Superbowl XLVII Pre-game Show

In honor of the upcoming Superbowl we decided to do a football themed Fuck, Marry, Kill. I'm not familiar enough with individual players, and since I'm from the Bay Area, I would be biased towards anybody on the 49ers. So we decided to do some of the more familiar football announcers: Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and John Madden

Allison: I say we start with Kill because I sort of feel like it's going to be the easiest. I would without hesitation kill John Madden. I know he's a legend but the man is not attractive. I'm not even sure he could find his equipment.

Ar: WHAAAAT? But John Madden is amazing!

Allison: Not to mention the fact that his idea of foreplay would probably consist of him writing x's and o's all over my erogenous zones.

Ari: And while he isn't attractive, he's such a cute old man!

Allison: Is not.

Ari: And I adore the x's and o's!

Allison: Ugh. No fucking way.

Ari: Oh no....I know what's happening....

Allison: What?

Ari: John Madden is my Edward Scissor Hands!

Allison: Hahahaha. Too bad, Witsec is off limits.

Ari: Nooooooo! I'm going to have to go home and watch The Replacements to mourn his passing

Allison: So you agree? We kill Madden?

Ari: .............yes.....

Allison: Awww poor baby.

Ari: I'll never forget you John!

Allison: Pour one out for Madden. How about we give him a merciful death. He get's fed hot dogs by women in bikinis until his heart explodes.

Ari: Hahahaha Ok I suppose that's acceptable.

Allison: NOW the difficult part. I want to fuck and marry Howie... How do I choose??

Ari: RIGHT?!

Allison: Don't get me wrong. Bradshaw is hilarious, but also kind of stupid.

Ari: Here are my thoughts. Fuck Terry and marry Howie.

Allison: Reasoning?

Ari: While Terry was a Steeler, he was off the Steel Curtain years and that is awesome. What's more, he told Ben Rothlisfucker on national television that he was a disgrace to the Steeler franchise and for that I think he deserves to be rewarded with some fantastic, wanton sex.

Allison: Well remember if you're married it's not fantastic wanton sex.

(I got a little confused about who she was planning on marrying, it was corrected though)

Ari: Says who?!

Allison: There's got to be a difference between fuck and marry.

Ari: Has it been stipulated that we automatically go to sad married sex?

Allison: I'm not saying it's sad. I'm just saying it's married sex. Long term relationship sex not honeymoon sex.

Ari: But there would be honeymoon sex on the honeymoon! And long term relationship sex can be good, too! AND IT WOULD BE WITH HOWIE LONG. How is that not a win?

Allison: Ok, I think you're right. I think I want to spend the rest of my life having normal good sex with Howie and have one night of slightly weird goofy sex with Terry. In conclusion: we kill John Madden (sorry pal), fuck Terry Bradshaw and marry Howie Long.