Ari: Ok, so I did a little research (W and holy hell I wish there were men today like some of these Axis commanders.
Ari: Just not Herman Goring. THIS fucker was such a fantastic cum dumpster that even Hitler got rid of his ass. So he was a flying ace and flew under the Red Baron, but that's about where the awesome stops. He commanded the Luftwaffe, and eventually was appointed as supreme commander of all the German forces. He got himself addicted to morphine (perhaps the least of his sins), and founded the Gestapo. He has my early vote for "Kill."
Allison: I think we can certainly agree on killing Goering. The flying ACE thing is hot, buI mean the man founded the Gestapo... Not OK. The main discussion is who do we marry and who do we kill. It's really a toss up. There are good and bad points to both Rommel and Yamamoto.
Ari: Before I did my homework, I thought for sure I'd end up voting to kill Admiral Yamamoto out of some bizarre, brainwashed patriotic and extremely late desire to avenge the bombing of Pearl Harbor. AFTER I did my homework, I have decided that this man is quite possibly one of the most awesome military leaders of all time. Not only did he go to Harvard, but he was a military atache in Washington DC as a young officer and attended the US Naval War College.
Ari: Ok, but enough acadamiagasms, not only did Admiral Yamamoto opposed the Japanese invasion of Manchuria (and by invasion I mean brutal rape and murder), he opposed the attach on Pearl Harbor, which he ended up executing with spectacular efficacy, AND he opposed creating an alliance with Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy in the first place. He was so outspoken about his opposition that the Japanese Army, who had a ridiculous rivalry with the Navy (wtf guys, same team), that he received multiple death threats, to which he responded by citing Confucius, and refusing to back down. CONFUCIUS!
Allison: Yamamoto's father was a SAMURAI too, which is awesome. He practiced caligraphy, gambled and hung out with geisha, so you know the dude was dedicated and liked a good time. He was also particularly prescient about the war with the U.S. Even though there is no documentation that this quote actually happened, most historians agree it very accurately represents his feelings about his attack on Pearl Harbor and war with the US in general: " I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve." He has lots of other really powerful poetic quotes that are for sure his. I just love that one.
Ari: Alright now Rommel. THIS guy LITERALLY wrote the book on tank warfare. He did so well as the commander of the 7th Panzer Division, he earned himself the nickname "Desert Fox." And that's fantastic, but it gets better. Not only was he considered one of the most professional and moral of the Nazi commanders (low standard, I know), but he ignored direct orders to kill captured enemy commandos, prisoners of war, even the Jewish ones, or captured civilians. He might have started his career as one of Hitler's favorites, but he ended it at the business end of a cyanide pill. Rommel, one of the most widely popular of the German commanders, was part of a conspiracy to assassinate Adolf Hitler. When Hitler found out, Rommel agreed to quietly commit suicide in return for assurance that his family would not be harmed. OMG RIGHT?!
Allison: While Rommel was part of the conspiracy he actually wanted Hitler arrested rather than killed. Which I think is kind of a positive thing, justice and all... On the other hand he had a reputation for being brutal (towards his own men), as well as not taking too well to personal opinions or criticisms. Which I'm not sure would mesh well with my personality.
Ari: The choice now is who would I marry, and who would I ravage? My first instinct is to marry Yamamoto and fuck Rommel, but Yamamoto is Asian and, well, ya know...
Allison: Yeah on the off chance that Yamamoto conforms to that particular stereotype, I'd hate to waste my amazing sexy time with him.
Ari: But Rommel died to save his family from HITLER. Besides, the Nazi uniforms, while horror inspiring, are really effing hot. And there's that whole Jewish girl/Nazi soldier fantasy that probably means my parents really screwed something up big time when i was little.
Allison: The "Desert Fox" is certainly the sexiest war nickname ever and the fact that he killed himself to have his family spared makes me lean toward marriage...
Ari: So...marry Rommel, fuck Yamamoto and kill Goring.
Allison: Hmm. I think based on their personalities I'd actually rather be married to Yamamoto and have dirty crazy domineering sex with Rommel. "Jah, you veel call me ze Dezert Fox, fruelein."
Allison: Oh and did I mention that Toshiro Mifune has played Yamamoto in several movies?
Ari: Alright, you convinced me with your ringer, Toshiro Mifune. You know he's one of my favorites!
Allison: I knew that would get you. He is a stud.
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