Superbowl XLVII Pre-game Show

In honor of the upcoming Superbowl we decided to do a football themed Fuck, Marry, Kill. I'm not familiar enough with individual players, and since I'm from the Bay Area, I would be biased towards anybody on the 49ers. So we decided to do some of the more familiar football announcers: Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and John Madden

Allison: I say we start with Kill because I sort of feel like it's going to be the easiest. I would without hesitation kill John Madden. I know he's a legend but the man is not attractive. I'm not even sure he could find his equipment.

Ar: WHAAAAT? But John Madden is amazing!

Allison: Not to mention the fact that his idea of foreplay would probably consist of him writing x's and o's all over my erogenous zones.

Ari: And while he isn't attractive, he's such a cute old man!

Allison: Is not.

Ari: And I adore the x's and o's!

Allison: Ugh. No fucking way.

Ari: Oh no....I know what's happening....

Allison: What?

Ari: John Madden is my Edward Scissor Hands!

Allison: Hahahaha. Too bad, Witsec is off limits.

Ari: Nooooooo! I'm going to have to go home and watch The Replacements to mourn his passing

Allison: So you agree? We kill Madden?

Ari: .............yes.....

Allison: Awww poor baby.

Ari: I'll never forget you John!

Allison: Pour one out for Madden. How about we give him a merciful death. He get's fed hot dogs by women in bikinis until his heart explodes.

Ari: Hahahaha Ok I suppose that's acceptable.

Allison: NOW the difficult part. I want to fuck and marry Howie... How do I choose??

Ari: RIGHT?!

Allison: Don't get me wrong. Bradshaw is hilarious, but also kind of stupid.

Ari: Here are my thoughts. Fuck Terry and marry Howie.

Allison: Reasoning?

Ari: While Terry was a Steeler, he was off the Steel Curtain years and that is awesome. What's more, he told Ben Rothlisfucker on national television that he was a disgrace to the Steeler franchise and for that I think he deserves to be rewarded with some fantastic, wanton sex.

Allison: Well remember if you're married it's not fantastic wanton sex.

(I got a little confused about who she was planning on marrying, it was corrected though)

Ari: Says who?!

Allison: There's got to be a difference between fuck and marry.

Ari: Has it been stipulated that we automatically go to sad married sex?

Allison: I'm not saying it's sad. I'm just saying it's married sex. Long term relationship sex not honeymoon sex.

Ari: But there would be honeymoon sex on the honeymoon! And long term relationship sex can be good, too! AND IT WOULD BE WITH HOWIE LONG. How is that not a win?

Allison: Ok, I think you're right. I think I want to spend the rest of my life having normal good sex with Howie and have one night of slightly weird goofy sex with Terry. In conclusion: we kill John Madden (sorry pal), fuck Terry Bradshaw and marry Howie Long.

Allison and Ari fight about Johnny Depp Characters, and Make Up a New Insult.

This week we took a request from our friend Amber, she requested Johnny Depp as a theme so we chose a few of his iconic characters, and one of his more realistic characters as well. As you'll see for me this was one of the hardest weeks so far, for Ari it was a little more cut and dry. For your entertainment Johnny Depp as: Edward Scissorhands, Captain Jack Sparrow and Roux from Chocolat.

Allison: This is going to be a really difficult decision, because either way I'm going to end up killing somebody I really don't want to kill. My initial thoughts are marriage to either Roux or Edward. Only because while Captain Jack is incredible, and I think we'd get on exceedingly well together, he's a philanderer and is only truly married to the sea.

Ari: I'd marry Roux, fuck captain Jack and kill Edward.

Allison: Jesus you're brutal. How do you kill Edward? He is just sweet and artistic. It would be like killing a puppy! A scared, already abused puppy.

Ari: It's a matter of logistics. Foreplay would be impossible, and you know I don't go for the sweet boys.

Allison: Ok, hear me out, you could live it that awesome creepy mansion, and he'd just hang out and build topiaries for you and you'd get a lifetime worth of crazy awesome hair cuts.

Ari: Roux is worldly and mysterious, and while I imagine our marriage probably wouldn't last forever, the Gypsy wedding party would be incredible.

Allison: And you know with your genius and some hard work you might be able to develop the man parts.

Ari: Yeah I'd rather have a fabulous gay hairdresser. Also, my genius is particularly lacking in the science department.

Allison: Roux is also handy with tools and such, and while I don't need a man to fix my doors etc. It is kind of hot... Damn it I can't kill Edward, think of the puppies.

Ari: Sex with Captain Jack is pretty much a given, as long as he wasn't too drunk to get it up. Besides, then I could be in one of those "the Captain was here" ads which I find hilarious, even though they're really not.

Allison: Yeah I think Sex with Jack is a given, although he'd have to wear a condom. Those sluts from the docks are not to be trusted.

Ari: Agreed! Lord knows what he's picked up from those scurvy bilge rats. I don't find Edward attractive in any way whatsoever. He's a child. It would be like doing Benny from Benny and June.

Allison: Goddamnit. I think you are right. I want to keep fighting because I love Edward's house, and I think I would love spinning around underneath ice sculptures as he carved him, I want to be married to his life and not to him. Not a good foundation for a marriage. Fuck. Can I have somebody else kill him? As quietly, painlessly and as far away from me as possible?

Ari: And I'm pretty sure you would destroy him emotionally. He might be a cute puppy, but do you really want to be married to a cute sad puppy forever?

Allison: He wouldn't be sad forever!!! He was already learning! That's the reason why it's so awful to kill him. You're killing something young and innocent that is just starting to find their own personality. It would be like finding Beethoven or Mozart at age 6 and cutting off their fingers!!! It's goddamned abominable.

Ari: HIS FINGERS WERE ALREADY OFF.

Allison: Not his douchebad. Mozart or Beethovens.

Allison: DOUCHEBAD!! Awesome.

Ari: And he had no boy parts. I want a husband or a fun fuck, not a charity case.

Ari: Also douchebad is epic.

Allison: I think with his help and some trial and error I could arrange the fun parts. Or we could just re-create that porn... Edward Penis Hands. HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Allison: Douchebad is SO epic.

Ari: But we can compromise. Let's fake his death, and put him in the sad puppy protection program where he can be loved and cherished and learn to be a happy creepy hairdresser for all days.

Allison: Can I visit?

Ari: Only if it wouldn't compromise his safety.

Allison: Alright, I think it's settled. Fuck Captain Jack with protection, marry Roux and fake Edward's death, because we're not douchebads. Unfortunately now that we've used faking somebody's death we can never do it again. Let's hope there are no more puppies.

Ari: Hahaha deal.

Ari and Allison Geek Out: WWII Axis Commanders

I think Ari and I both went into this one with some preconceptions, although I was already sure who I was going to kill. We'll probably do some Allied commanders down the road, but the "Bad Guys" are actually a lot more interesting. Don't get me wrong Patton is one of the coolest guys of all time, but he's lost in a sea of crazy. We initially wanted to do a commander from each of the tripartite pact countries, but found there really wasn't anybody recognizeable from Italy, so we doubled up on Germany. For your entertainment (and WWII history lesson of the day): Fleet Commander Admiral Isoroku Yammamoto, Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, and Reichsmarshall Herman Goering.

Ari: Ok, so I did a little research (W and holy hell I wish there were men today like some of these Axis commanders.

Ari: Just not Herman Goring. THIS fucker was such a fantastic cum dumpster that even Hitler got rid of his ass. So he was a flying ace and flew under the Red Baron, but that's about where the awesome stops. He commanded the Luftwaffe, and eventually was appointed as supreme commander of all the German forces. He got himself addicted to morphine (perhaps the least of his sins), and founded the Gestapo. He has my early vote for "Kill."

Allison: I think we can certainly agree on killing Goering. The flying ACE thing is hot, buI mean the man founded the Gestapo... Not OK. The main discussion is who do we marry and who do we kill. It's really a toss up. There are good and bad points to both Rommel and Yamamoto.

Ari: Before I did my homework, I thought for sure I'd end up voting to kill Admiral Yamamoto out of some bizarre, brainwashed patriotic and extremely late desire to avenge the bombing of Pearl Harbor. AFTER I did my homework, I have decided that this man is quite possibly one of the most awesome military leaders of all time. Not only did he go to Harvard, but he was a military atache in Washington DC as a young officer and attended the US Naval War College.

Ari: Ok, but enough acadamiagasms, not only did Admiral Yamamoto opposed the Japanese invasion of Manchuria (and by invasion I mean brutal rape and murder), he opposed the attach on Pearl Harbor, which he ended up executing with spectacular efficacy, AND he opposed creating an alliance with Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy in the first place. He was so outspoken about his opposition that the Japanese Army, who had a ridiculous rivalry with the Navy (wtf guys, same team), that he received multiple death threats, to which he responded by citing Confucius, and refusing to back down. CONFUCIUS!

Allison: Yamamoto's father was a SAMURAI too, which is awesome. He practiced caligraphy, gambled and hung out with geisha, so you know the dude was dedicated and liked a good time. He was also particularly prescient about the war with the U.S. Even though there is no documentation that this quote actually happened, most historians agree it very accurately represents his feelings about his attack on Pearl Harbor and war with the US in general: " I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve." He has lots of other really powerful poetic quotes that are for sure his. I just love that one.

Ari: Alright now Rommel. THIS guy LITERALLY wrote the book on tank warfare. He did so well as the commander of the 7th Panzer Division, he earned himself the nickname "Desert Fox." And that's fantastic, but it gets better. Not only was he considered one of the most professional and moral of the Nazi commanders (low standard, I know), but he ignored direct orders to kill captured enemy commandos, prisoners of war, even the Jewish ones, or captured civilians. He might have started his career as one of Hitler's favorites, but he ended it at the business end of a cyanide pill. Rommel, one of the most widely popular of the German commanders, was part of a conspiracy to assassinate Adolf Hitler. When Hitler found out, Rommel agreed to quietly commit suicide in return for assurance that his family would not be harmed. OMG RIGHT?!

Allison: While Rommel was part of the conspiracy he actually wanted Hitler arrested rather than killed. Which I think is kind of a positive thing, justice and all... On the other hand he had a reputation for being brutal (towards his own men), as well as not taking too well to personal opinions or criticisms. Which I'm not sure would mesh well with my personality.

Ari: The choice now is who would I marry, and who would I ravage? My first instinct is to marry Yamamoto and fuck Rommel, but Yamamoto is Asian and, well, ya know...

Allison: Yeah on the off chance that Yamamoto conforms to that particular stereotype, I'd hate to waste my amazing sexy time with him.

Ari: But Rommel died to save his family from HITLER. Besides, the Nazi uniforms, while horror inspiring, are really effing hot. And there's that whole Jewish girl/Nazi soldier fantasy that probably means my parents really screwed something up big time when i was little.

Allison: The "Desert Fox" is certainly the sexiest war nickname ever and the fact that he killed himself to have his family spared makes me lean toward marriage...

Ari: So...marry Rommel, fuck Yamamoto and kill Goring.

Allison: Hmm. I think based on their personalities I'd actually rather be married to Yamamoto and have dirty crazy domineering sex with Rommel. "Jah, you veel call me ze Dezert Fox, fruelein."

Allison: Oh and did I mention that Toshiro Mifune has played Yamamoto in several movies?

Ari: Alright, you convinced me with your ringer, Toshiro Mifune. You know he's one of my favorites!



Allison: I knew that would get you. He is a stud.

Battlestar Galactica Youth Edition: Apollo, Helo and Anders

Last week was crazy and Ari and I didn't have a chance to do F*ck, Marry, Kill. Also due to the brain melting powers of the US military Ari is completely unable to chose a category. On the fly I stuck with the science fiction theme and we went with Battlestar Galactica: Youth edition (look out for the Senior edition later, hint: I want to marry Doc Cottle). Lee "Apollo" Adama, Samuel Anders, Karl "Helo" Agathon. All in all it was a fairly tame week, with a pretty easily reached consensus

Ari: Who goes first?

Allison: Let's break it up by category. Who would you marry? I'd have to marry Helo. Of the three I think he's the only one who has something resembling a stable moral compass, not to mention the fact that he can see past race hatred. Even when Sharon goes a little batshit he sticks by her. Oh and he's pretty fucking sexy. Shirtless Helo is a good Helo.

Ari: Ok, so you have laid out a very difficult choice for me here. At first glance I would agree with you about a marriage to Helo. He has loyalty (I think sometimes to a fault), and there's that whole not a Cylon thing, that Anders fails at miserably. But, after thinking about it some more, I think I would go for Apollo. I know he got all fat for a while, and can be a self righteous douchebag (I suspect this might have something to do with my attraction to him), but he stands up for what he believes in. I mean, he defied Adama the Greater because he felt it was the right thing to do. I can respect someone who can stay that true to their principles. And he's hot, as long as he doesn't succomb to that bratty depression madness again...

Allison: I think that Helo stands up for his beliefs a lot more consistently than Apollo and doesn't let his own self-interest and daddy issues inform his decisions.

Ari: There is no question about who I would fuck. Anders all the way. I don't think much debate is required here.

Allison: I'm torn on the fucking Ander's thing... I guess it all depends on when in the series I'd get to fuck him. Cause you know covered in the goopy shit will him all bugfuck crazy is... not so appealing. But then I guess I'd have to fuck Apollo. I don't think I'm that attracted to Apollo aside from the whole Ace persona.

Ari: But this brings me to my sticking point. If I marry Apollo, and fuck Anders, then I have to kill Helo, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. If I had to choose between killing Helo and killing Apollo, despite as much as I like the latter, I'd also rather kill him off, for almost the same reasons as I would marry him. Makes perfect sense, right? So at the end of the day, my decision comes full circle: marry Helo, fuck Anders and kill Apollo.

Allison: Yeah I think killing Helo is absolutely out of the question. No I think it's got to be marry Helo, Fuck Anders (pre-bald, goopy insanity) and kill Apollo. Because he's a douchebag, and a big (occasionally fat) whiner.

Ari: Agreed

Obi Wan Kenobi, Han Solo, and Jar Jar Binks

Initially this was going to be the same as the article on The Gloss, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. Unfortunately we both agreed you marry Han, fuck Vader and kill Luke. So Ari suggested some alternates to the Star Wars Lineup: Han Solo (we just can't get enough), Obi Wan Kenobi and Jar Jar Binks.

Ari: Well here's our first argument: marry Obi Wan, fuck Han and kill Jar Jar... Over and over and over. Ready... GO!

Allison: Ok I actually think I'd fuck Obi Wan. Since I think Alec Guinness or Ewan McGregor would be at least an interesting, if not a terribly sexy romp. I'd marry Han, because a lifetime of sex with that is better than just once, plus in the books he turns out as an awesome dad/husband. I'm glad to see we agree: kill Jar Jar. Though that wasn't even difficult. Rebuttals?

Allison: Hahaha reBUTTals.

Ari: Based on the movies alone I don't think Han is marriage material. I think he'd get antsy and fuck off. Besides, who wants a walking carpet hanging around all the time? Sorry Chewy. 

Allison: What in the name of Christ is wrong with you? I will not even respond to your comments on Chewy, since yes I would absolutely love to have Chewy around. He's awesome and apparently Wookie culture is focused on art and philosophy and I think once I learned to speak with him we could have awesome conversations. He's like a big puppy with a gun! 

(apparently me not responding is me responding vehemently)

Ari: I'd marry Obi Wan because Ewan McGregor and HE TURNS INTO THE FORCE. And I totally dig the philosopher/Zen warrior thing lol

Allison: Look how devoted Han is to Leia! And you know that prissy bitch won't get down, unless some huge worm monster is putting her in slave-girl garb. He's the opposite of antsy. Although, he may threaten to run off all the time, especially after pay day. There's the whole issue of living without sex while he's frozen in carbonite... Can I fuck Obi Wan then? You may dig the philosopher zen thing in theory, but you wouldn't want to marry it, can you imagine if he did that holier than thou "That's your uncle talking" voice when you got in an argument. Hell no. Fuck him, sure. Marry him, definitely not.

Ari: Hahahaha Omg I miss these talks lol

Allison: See!!! I told you. Anyway have I convinced you?

Ari: Yes!

Inaugural Post

A few days ago I was thinking...

The thing I miss most about living with my best friend Ari is the  thought provoking, though admittedly ridiculous discussions we used to have. At the time I think they served the very important purpose of keeping us from arguing about real shit and killing each other. This was a very real possibility since it was two, sometimes three, of us living in a 13' x 13' room. If we didn't have a roommate we could despise and make fun of, it was inevitable that we would turn on each other. So we'd argue. About all sorts of meaningless crap. The object varied, and sometimes became too real. One night we had a full on fight about prostitution that I'm sure was inches away from coming to blows... But for the most part we just discussed things. Heatedly.

It was fun, often funny and helped us think critically about utter nonsense.

I miss those nights. We'd drink wine, dress up in togas, call out pleas and invectives to Greek gods and argue about philosophy or which character's view of love in the Symposium was the most awesome.

In an effort to keep the spirit of those nights alive, and due to some inspiration from an article on The Gloss, we've decided that we're going to have weekly arguments in the style of Fuck, Marry, Kill.